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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Nov 8, 2011 1:28:16 GMT -5
Here's a place where you can post funny stories, weird stories, true or fictional stories (or w/e) or emails; let's begin with here's something about Dogs and Cats, written by my American cousin Shirley: Shirley Jollin DOG's DIARY:8:00 am - Dog food!......My favorite thing!9:30 am - A car ride!......My favorite thing!9:40 am - A walk in the park!......My favorite thing!10:30 am -Got rubbed and petted!......My favorite thing!12:00 PM -Lunch!......My favorite thing!1:00 PM - Played in the yard!......My favorite thing!3:00 PM - Wagged my tail!......My favorite thing!5:00 PM - Milk bones!......My favorite thing!7:00... PM - Got to play ball!......My favorite thing!8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people.......My favorite thing!11:00 PM -Sleeping on the bed!......My very favorite thing! The CAT's DIARY:Day 983 of my captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.Bastards!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.He is obviously retarded.
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Post by Nuclear Seagull on Mar 6, 2013 8:57:19 GMT -5
When I was a child, I had swimming lessons at the swimming pool in the next village. In our weekly group, there were two boys and a girl, they were triplets. But they did not look like each other at all, and they were treated just like three regular kids. In fact, they did not even realized they were triplets!
Until two new kids joined the group. They were twins. They looked exactly like each other and also wore the same clothes.
So one of the triplets(very exited) said to his mother; "Look mom, they're twins!" ;D
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Post by thegl0r on Jul 12, 2013 12:18:39 GMT -5
I just found this, something that I'd hidden away in my hard-drive and forgotten about. I didn't know where to post this, but thought that if I added the photographic proof of my inspiration then I could hide it here rather than just delete it. Someone out there may have seen me mention out-of-date Nutella lurking in the back of a cupboard... It was a cold and rainy evening in the village of Homeville, a tiny hamlet just west of Osakaville.
Tiny Trubs had just got home after a boring day at work and he peered in the fridge hoping to find something interesting to eat. “No, nothing inspiring in there, perhaps there's something nice in the cupboard” he thinks. “Oh woe, wrong again. I'll have to go to the village shop to buy some tasty treats. But first I'll have a nice a cup of tea.”
A nice tea is brewed, the radio got turned on and and Tiny Trubs assumed his accustomed position in the comfy chair.
He awoke with a start! “OMG, I've slept too long and the corner shop is now shut and I'm starting to feel rather peckish now - and there's nothing interesting to eat. What can I do?”
After another rummage through the cupboard and another glance in the fridge, desperation sets in. “Its no good, I'll have to resort to looking on the out-of-reach high shelf of forgotten foodstuffs,” he mutters to himself.
A chair is dragged into the kitchen and placed in front of the cupboard. Tiny Trubs clambers up on the rickety seat and he peers into the gloom which envelops the high shelf. First to be lifted out were two opened and barely started boxes of biscuits for cheese, leftovers from Christmases past. Next came a selection of part used packets of dried pasta which rained their contents on the floor with that annoying pitter-patter of falling fusilly, a pasta shape seemingly scientifically designed to roll across the kitchen floor in all directions and with a magnetic attraction to the gap under the fridge. “Damn it!”, he growls to himself and continues rummaging.
“Oh, I wondered where that mixing bowl had got to.” And as he slides it towards himself, he notices an eerie glow emanating from the space behind the bowl. He quickly moves the bowl to one side to investigate.
Four jars of Nutella come into view. Three jars still sealed and unopened, but one jar had already been opened so Tiny Trubs hesitantly cracks the lid open to peer inside. A finger shaped scar had been scooped across the top of the contents but otherwise it looked fine. It still had that glossy chocolatey sheen that cries out, “Eat me!”
“Shall I risk it?” he thinks “I don't know, perhaps I'll risk just a little taste from one of the unopened jars. That should be OK. But why are those jars glowing? Perhaps that's why they were special Limited Edition jars – they glow in the dark. The old crone who sold them to me off her market stall said that they were something special, and they were unbelievably cheap. Never mind that, time to eat!”
He carefully picked a jar of Nutella from the shelf and climbed down off the chair. With eager hands the seal on the jar is broken. There is a crackle like static electricity as the plastic security seal gets peeled from around the lid. Then the lid gets prized off. “It looks OK, smells OK. So it must be OK!” and he reaches in the cutlery drawer for a spoon. “Curses!” The only spoon that was left in the drawer was a desert spoon which was too large to fit into the top of the jar. “Damn, I haven't done the washing-up. Again. This is a messy room, I really should tidy up. Maybe later.” So he reaches for a knife and quickly thrusts it deep into the tasty chocolate spread and scoops out a large helping.
“Mmm, tasty.” He glances at the jar in his hand. Printed on the side of the glass there were pictures of Bart Simpson dressed in a red Devil costume which caused a wry smile to twitch at the corners of Tiny Trubs mouth.
Then he hears the radio announcer saying that the third episode of a Doctor Who adventure would be on next. The theme music starts drifting in from the front room where the radio was playing to itself. He quickly rushed in and settles down in the comfy chair to listen to the Doctor battling against evil. Unthinking he scoops more Nutella into his mouth
It seems like no time before the radio announcer is back on to say, “Episode 4, the conclusion of the story continues at the same time tomorrow.”
It's then that Tiny Trubs notices the nearly empty jar of Nutella in his hand. And on the table in front of him, three more empty jars. “I don't feel too good,” he thinks to himself. “Perhaps a nice fizzy sports energy drink to wash it all down will make me feel better. I think I noticed one on the high shelf in the cupboard”
The drink was quickly chugged down and a huge belch followed accompanied by an eerie brown haze which momentarily obscured his vision. “Ah, that's better. Better out than in. Now I'd better go and tidy those empties away before anybody notices that I've been pigging out.” As he picks the first of the empty jars he notices the best before date. “Whoops, rather more out of date than I'd realised. Over 11 years.” Then the hairs stood up on the back of his neck. 11 years, 11 months and 11 days. Spooky. Another rococo belch erupted from his mouth again he noticed a brown haze which lingered momentarily before dispersing.
Feeling hot and woozy and with a constricted chest he tugs at his collar and noticed it was rather tight. The tightness in his chest got worse. He felt tight all over. Looking down he noticed that his clothes were stretched tight over his body and splits were starting to rip open on his clothes. But not in an Incredible Hulk, suddenly growing lots of muscles type of way. His clothes were shrinking and disintegrating before his eyes! Wispy brown tendrils were licking about his body and flickering over his clothing. Those brown belches were attacking his clothes! In moments his clothes were lying in tatters around his feet and he was feeling an agonising sharp pain in his groin.
The only item of clothing which hadn't disintegrated were his underpants and those had shrunk to such an extent that they had performed the ultimate wedgie on him. “That's the last time I buy A&S Indestructible undies”, he thought. Moment by moment they continued to shrink and the pain was getting worse.
Tiny Trubs stumbled across the room and grabbing the Nutella encrusted knife from the table he started desperately sawing at the waist band of his undies with it. He cursed the bluntness of the butter knife and wished that he had a Shonen Knife to cut his undies off for him. Does that count as a shaggy dog story? Sometimes I ramble on and on with pointless musing and then just stop. Often with no point or significant meaning to my words, sometimes its just to see the look of bemusement on peoples faces when I finish talking. "Is that it?" I often get asked Attachments:
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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Jul 12, 2013 21:51:28 GMT -5
I used to eat Nutella at my neighbours place, when I was a small child (She came from an Italian family... apparently the stuff is very popular there), I seem to recall it having a taste like hazelnuts in chocolate syrup (we're talking 45 yrs ago here)... I can't imagine eating that now.
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Post by lazybone712 on Sept 3, 2014 19:01:36 GMT -5
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Post by sasquatch on Sept 5, 2014 8:58:28 GMT -5
Can we get an unpixelated version??
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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Sept 5, 2014 15:28:06 GMT -5
Can we get an unpixelated version?? Shush, as it is, I'm already wondering if that post qualifies as PG rated (I'm thinking maybe it's a bit offensive to our female readers) IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH THE CHARITY BREAST POST, PM ME AND I WILL TAKE IT DOWN... IF NOT, IT CAN STAY, FOR NOW (Actually, it really belongs in the quirky Japan thread, if anywhere)
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Post by lazybone712 on Aug 10, 2015 23:43:35 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2015 4:37:34 GMT -5
The child and his mother:
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2015 4:50:17 GMT -5
Elephant:
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”
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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Aug 25, 2015 15:20:58 GMT -5
Elephant: The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”. The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!” cute
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Post by tangerinesun on Aug 25, 2015 17:40:19 GMT -5
Elephant: The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.” Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.” The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”. The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!” cute Dude, this is the the coupon-link litterbug, again. Copy/pasting chestnuts out of a joke book this time. If they want to take time off from spamming your forum, I wish they'd at least come up with something topical and original...
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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Aug 25, 2015 23:15:11 GMT -5
Dude, this is the the coupon-link litterbug, again. Copy/pasting chestnuts out of a joke book this time. If they want to take time off from spamming your forum, I wish they'd at least come up with something topical and original... I know, but, it WAS cute
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Post by lazybone712 on Aug 27, 2015 19:11:02 GMT -5
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Post by mikado-AKA-Shoknifeman on Aug 27, 2015 20:29:07 GMT -5
Violent dress code infraction, for a lunchbox.... ok???
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